Diction of the Heart
by Lady of Roses
Summary: The words “I love you” mean everything and nothing at the same time. It brings pain and happiness, gives you a sense of purpose while giving you a sense of worthlessness. But in the end, "I love you" means the world. BotXKura with hint of BotXYus


I decided to upload an old story that I wrote and constantly revived ( as in fixed grammar errors and revise words) over the years. I know I should be updating my other uncompleted stories but I couldn't find it in myself write more regarding those stories. I'll eventually come back to them, but right now I think I should stick to one-shots, makes life much more simple since I have commitment problems. I'm like a child, once I start something I'm all excited and hyped up about the story but eventually some new and shiny story comes along and all my interest migrates toward the new and shiny story. Well sorry for grammar errors and hope you enjoy this short ramble.

Disclaimer: Yu Yu Hakusho doesn't belong to me in any shape or form.

**Diction of the Heart**

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**_Unbelievable._ **

"Can I talk to you?"

I was perched upon a tree in the park when I heard him confess his pent up feelings to her. I watched as she accepted them, and in turn repeated the same words back at him.

_**Unbearable.**_

"_I love you too."_

Those words stung, striking all my vulnerable points. Mutely I watched as they embraced and whispered loving words and promises to each another. My world was virtually shattered; I knew they had feelings for one another. Knew they were meant to be, but seeing them express their unconditional love for each other ached much more than just simply knowing.

_**Disgusting.**_

I was disgusted at myself. Wholly disgusted. I should be happy that he finally brought up the courage to tell her, and that she didn't deny her feelings but in turn said she felt the same way. But I wasn't happy, I was anything but happy. I wanted her to refuse him, making him turn to me for comfort.

I'm selfish and I know that. But who wouldn't want to scarp up every last chance of happiness they can get their hands on. This is possibly my only chance to have someone feel something, anything for me except revulsion and loathing.

_**Torture.**_

He loving stroke her hair back in place, loneliness and longing swelled up inside of me. Every tender gesture and endearment that was exchanged between them sent pangs of agonizing torment through me. Nearly tearing me apart, limb-by-limb.

I yearn so much to be in her place, to experience him staring so lovingly at me. To be able to know that when his eyes shined with such admiration and love, that it would be for me. Alas, I knew it couldn't be. I knew I've been hoping and wishing for the impossible.

Every fiber of my being told me to move on, that there was much more to life than him, but I didn't listen. I couldn't listen. I was deaf to everything around me but the words those two were exchanging, blinded to everything except for their lovers tryst.

_**Foolish.**_

How foolish I am. It was absurd for me to think that I was able to attract him to the likes of me. To be able to bind him to me when his soul is already bound to another, some who is much more deserving of his love than mine.

I am a fool. I am a fool in love, which makes me more unwise than any type of fool out there. Only a simpleton would want and long for something they couldn't have, yearn for something that they never could possess.

How do I expect myself to move on when I see him everyday, when I seek to find him even though I know he would be in her presence? Did I find some sadistic pleasure in knowing that he was crushing my heart piece by piece?

_**Wrong.**_

I knew my affection for him was wrong. Every fiber of my present being told me so, that there were rules against interfering with true love and that was what they had, true love. It was destined, written in the stars before their very being existed. There was no way in heaven or hell for me to change the outcome. Nevertheless, that didn't mean I was just willing to give up, I tried everything in my limited power to alter the results but no matter what I did it would always turn out the same.

The red thread that bound them couldn't be just a thread. It was more like a chain, a sturdy metal chain. How is it that their love was able to survive otherwise? When behind every corner transpire another lie, another danger, and another threat that would emerge ready to rip their relationship asunder. In addition, I was another threat.

Everything I've done was a feeble attempt to attract him to me, and I can't help but be deceitful enough to try to hide my true purposes.

_**Pitiable.**_

I'm so pitiful. I lust, want, and desire someone who is forever out of reach. He belonged to another, my mind knows this, but my idiot of a heart acts pitiful and refuses to acknowledge this. Knowing I should focus my attention and attraction on someone more obtainable, someone who hasn't already loved another.

Why do I find it so impossible to resist him? I know he isn't perfect, I know his faults. I recite them to myself each day as an attempt to downsize by feelings, but I find this impossible. His terribly detectable flaws send jolts of attraction in my direction, and I can't bring myself to resist the lure that he had on me.

_**Faint. **_

Breath after breath I watched them still. Feeling pangs of regret and sorrow coursing through my body. The hurt kept pelting me until they finally made their way away from the park. The mental pain subsided, but it drained me emotionally.

My body felt so tired. My world was spinning as I tried to stand up upon the same branch I was seated on. Swaying, I tried to grab the trunk of the tree to regain my precarious balance. But today wasn't my day and I missed, my vision blurred and I felt as though I was falling forwards. Then my world went black.

_**Redemption.**_

In my hazy world, lingering in and out of conscious, I was able to faintly hear a voice yelling out my name. Saving me before I fell into the eternal abyss. It was summoning me away from the pain and the strain of life and back into the world of reality and back into the living world.

_**Grace.**_

The air seemed altered, and the presence of this area felt different from the freedom and fresh air the park offered. Opening my eyes, I sat up and looked around the room in which I was confined. Sniffing in revulsion at what lead me to be in a room unfamiliar to me, how weak I was for fainting. Pawing at the thin comforter that covered me, I abruptly sat up, instantly feeling the rush of nausea and dizziness that I felt before.

Throwing my legs over the side of the bed, I tried to find my ground, but it felt as though it was being pulled from beneath me. When I finally found my feet I swaggered unbalancing toward the closed window, desiring a way out. I was aching for a breath of untainted air, a gasp of freedom.

My hand reached toward the lock of the window, unlocking it and throwing it open. I took a deep breath of the crisp winter air before I prepared myself to leap out the window.

"You shouldn't exhaust yourself, you're still too weak."

Upon hearing the familiar voice, I turned my head and glared at him. My easy instantly narrowed, "I'm not weak, and don't you dare call me that! It's an insult!"

_**Pride. **_

I heard the faint chuckle from amusement as he moved forward and closed removed my hand from the window frame. "Really, you shouldn't coerce yourself too much. It's not healthy, considering the fact that you just collapsed in the park."

That just stabbed my pride, and my pride was the only thing left that didn't leave me feeling numb; it was also the only thing that truly prevented me from overcoming my foolish feelings for the man so out of my reach. "Don't you start lecturing me, you have no right to say what I should or shouldn't do."

A deep sigh was heard from behind me; suddenly he lifted me up from behind and placed me over his shoulder as if I weighted nothing. I was in stunned for a few moments, until the stubborn and willful spirit arose back inside me. It sent me kicking and screaming until he dropped, literally dropped me on the bed.

"Rest." His demanding emerald eyes pinned me powerlessly to the bed before he turned back to shut the window. My eyes pursued his graceful body's every movement, sending shivers to run down my spine in appreciation. He turned back to face me, his lips were moving but no words came tumbling out. I was deaf to him.

_**Attraction.**_

"Are you listening to me?"

I tried, lord know I tried. Every world that tumbled out of his mouth fell upon deaf ears.

My eyes are transfixed upon his lips. I can see the way he formed each word and syllable, but I couldn't make out the words. Slowly my vision got distracted and I lowered my gaze to look at the well toned chest hidden beneath the white buttoned shirt. My eyes moving even lower to look at hidden abdomen and even lower still to gaze at his…

"Botan, if you're going to feign to listen, at least look at my face." His verdant eyes flashed with silent amusement.

_**Acknowledgement. **_

I flushed and turned away. From the corner of my eye was I was able to catch the look of acknowledgement in his eyes. He knew. He knew that I desired him, lust after him.

I wanted him, loved him, not in the same way that I would describe how I loved _him, _but I loved this man nonetheless. I adore and desire him, more than anything I ever felt for _him_. _He_ made me feel secure and loved; while Kurama beckon the feelings that make me deem desirable and wanted. Acknowledging that everything I've done will eventually have dire consequences, but that doesn't distress me.

I wanted this man. Maybe more than I'll ever want _him_, I may love _him_ but _he_ didn't stir these emotions inside me. Not the way Kurama does.

_**Fear. **_

Of course, embracing these emotions caused panic to swell up inside me. The emotions were coming too rapidly. These feelings were out of control. I love Kurama, but I don't want to love him! I love someone else, someone I can't acquire.

Why doesn't my head understand this? Why can't I just focus my lust and emotion on someone obtainable? This is impossible of course. Who is obtainable for me, who would want me? They should fear me, loath me, not stare at me with a pair of desired filled eyes as the man standing face to face with me was portraying.

_**Questions. **_

Why does he look at me that way? Doesn't he understand that I'm unworthy? That I'm me, and that I can never be who he viewed me to be? Why can't he just be like _him_ and find someone more worthy of his love? Someone who isn't me. Anyone who isn't ruled bypride, self pity, and greed. Can't he understand that even though I may hate him, love him, need him, I can't be with him?

Why do your eyes remain on me? Why do you overlook all my flaws and stare at me the way that you do; with such love and understanding.

"Please Botan, tell me what's wrong?"

_Like you care._

"If someone did any harm to you just tell me."

_Like you understand._

"Tell me and I'll do something about it."

_Like you worry._

He looked me straight in the eyes and pulled me into a deep embrace. The warmth that radiated off him reassured me. The pain of the morning sent sobs to escape from me.

He held me until my sobs subsided, pulling away he looked me in the eyes, those orbs stared at me, probing me for answers. Why was he asking me these questions? Why did he expect an answer? Why can't I give him an answer?

**Unbelievable. **

I had to be strong, and to do that, I closed my eyes. To shut away all the pain; succeeding until I felt the feather light touch of his lips on my own. Blinking my eyes open in astonishment, and he drew away and pleaded gently "Please Botan, I'm begging you, tell me what's the matter?"

I nodded slowly, tears fell down my face, but I didn't respond. Placing my hands on his cheeks and pulled him closer and tenderly kiss his lips, murmur silently the words "It doesn't matter anymore," before I kissed him once more.

He looked me in the eyes and smirks sadly, nodded sympathetically before loving tucking my hair behind my ears.

_Liked he loved me._

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NOTE: After acknowledgement, all the italic "_him_" and "_he_" is the other guy not Kurama. He's the guy from the beginning of the story, which if you following the context clues you'll be able to figure out who _"he"_ is.

The story went down hill because I got lazy and bored of this story. I just wanted it to end, PLEASE MAKE IT END! Oh…I guess I did. But please read and tell me your response, comments and remarks will be embraced fully. I can't improve my writing if all I get are stereotypical reviews!


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